The One I Wanted To Be

by Sharpless

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02:51

about

When I came back from Japan, I felt like I had stepped into an alternate timeline. Familiar faces seemed like distant skyscrapers, and I found myself running my hands under cold water to wake myself up. Everything was coming loose and separating. I felt i was doing the same. I felt so far away from home.

But I never felt alone.

This is for all the people who kept me together - Thank you.

The Epoch is Now

credits

released 12 May 2014

All songs written, arranged, and produced by Jack Greenleaf

All songs performed/programmed by Jack Greenleaf with additional help from Montana Levy, Ian Cory, Henry Crawford, Felix Walworth, Oliver Kalb, Gabrielle Smith, Max Coburn, and James Wilcox

Album Art and Liner Notes by Jack Greenleaf

Mastering by Jack Greenleaf and Joseph Hogwood

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license

all rights reserved

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Track Name: The Hardest Question
i feel it in my head
the letters in my bed
i'm not the person i wanted to be
but every night's the same
i'm easier to blame
as my sleepless nights still torture me

the less i talk the more i'm able to get past the moment
the less i talk the less i think about the past
but it doesn't really matter at all
is the answer to the hardest question
waiting for the apple to fall
it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all

and now I see my face
in everything before
in every cigarette
in every liquor store
and now i see my chest
in every news report
about the kinda kids
that always get bored

i always thought that open doors would never close
i always thought that the adults would be the ones to know
i always thought that i would figure out where to go
i always thought that i would figure it out

but it doesn't really matter at all
is the answer to the hardest question
waiting for the apple to fall
it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all

it's not why it falls
but the fact that it falls at all
Track Name: Greater Than (>)
we still need a warrior for dreams
keep the monsters in the closet
keep the thread inside the seam
and we still need
a saint for all our sins
keep our ribcage around our lungs
so our hearts can't let us in
and when our hearts
begin to feel cold
we'll just crease around the edges into
patterns we can fold
just to keep
from feeling like we're old
we have gotten so old
we have gotten so old

eventually our hearts can't seem to bear
all the folding and the molding
and the wear and the tear
and they start to rip
as we start to die
and we know that there is nothing we can do
but admit that we're scared of changing
and some things just are better not to keep inside

a thousand paper cranes
is that all it would take
to wish
to change everything
back to the way it was before?
my friends have grown and gone
they think that they're adults
but they know they're wrong
they're not that strong
i'm not that strong

could it be the rings around my soul
and the lives that i have lived
and the stories i have told or
could it be the nectar in my veins
that can help me understand
everything in my brain
i said
the same things that
i can't explain are the
same things that
keep me insane because i
can't bear the
can't bear the weight on my own

"but jack you know the pain
of something that can never be explained
is the same pain that makes a person grow"

but times are moving fast
how come my thoughts are stuck inside the past
every time that i wake up feeling new

i say "my friends i know it's true
i wouldn't be the same if it weren't for you.
and can i try to change again, to grow up into something greater than?"
i'm greater than
Track Name: You've Got a Lot of Feelings
truth keeps creeping into me
slow and steady allergy
you're not the one i wanted
not the one i haunted
or thought that you would be

so i get down on both my knees

cause destiny has many hands
that never go according to our plans

but the reason that you're shaking
isn't all the drugs you're taking
just your body slowly breaking
into song

there's a million things that i've done wrong
i've been alive for way too long

you've got a lot of feelings
wrapped up inside
bury me down
so deep in the ground

still the boy you've always been
ghost inside of younger skin
you try to change direction
but still your infection
is opening your sins

that's really all it's ever been

so could it fit inside your head
to never let a stranger in your bed?

but the reason that you love her
ignited spark that starts the fire
it's just the light you hang above her
don't you know

there's a million people left to know
there's a million places left to go

you've got a lot of feelings
wrapped up inside bury me down
so deep in the ground

(dance break)

and the thoughts just come at night
and don't leave me when i sleep
just haunting shadows of the parts of me
i never want to keep
the parts that make me shudder when i sleep
is this just the way it is
is this what it has to be

or could it be a new begining to that which ended years ago
a quiet night on the horizon
the sound of footsteps in the snow
the kind of love that only comes from being home with mom and dad
the kind of warmth that only comes from all the friends you ever had

so when the clock turns back to twelve
and we can't be by ourselves
we think over and over and over it's over it's over it's over
and then
if the sun can rise again
from your horrible split ends
we'll be tethered together forever and ever
and ever and ever as friends
Track Name: Summer 2012
i wanna get a visa
just for the chance to meetcha
i need to change my groove
this year i'm loving you

when we were kids we looked at bars with amazement
but now we're here and all we talk about are basements

(it was only four years ago // how come it feels like we're moving slow)

in the basements we lived
you'll find some empty 40's
back from
when we were kids
but now we're stuck in slo-mo
we're all trying to quit
the cycles that we came from
but our bodies can't fit
the changes that we give them

after years of exactly the same thing
we always miss it at the end of every spring
all the years that we spent together
summer last forever
but
as our roots start to grow and move around
we find our homes are looser in the ground
never loose enough to lose each other
summers spent together
make them last forever

and now as cycles vary
we still find sanctuary
in the wonders we loved as a child
they feel small but they still run wild

and all our friends stopped calling back
but maybe we were the ones who first lost track

(if we could we would turn back time // but there are things that just can't rewind)

if you pick up the phone
the story never ends
but we should all be alone
every now and again
feels like it's all set in stone
the number of our friends
and the place we call home
but it really all depends

after years of exactly the same thing
we always miss it at the end of every spring
all the years that we spent together
summer last forever
but
as our roots start to grow and move around
we find our homes are looser in the ground
never loose enough to lose each other
summers spent together
make them last forever

(dance break!)

and though our paths may never cross again
just know that we're still the best of friends
there's nothing good that never changes

summer last forever

and though our lives start moving on their own
just know that there's nothing set in stone
stay together don't stay alone

summers spent together

stay together don't stay alone
pick up yourself to pick up the phone

it was only four years ago
how come it feels like we're moving so slow

if we could we would turn back time
but there are things that just can't rewind

all night, you want the young american
young american young american you want the young american
Track Name: Past Life Regression
c̸ontroll̀ed͟ ͞re͏gŗèśsion̴
i̴’̷v̶e been u͘si̛nǵ i̕t͞ ́shyl͞y
t͝o̴ find̢ ̕a͏ńce͞şt̀o͝r̷s
le͟ft ͝ov̨e͜r in̷ ̷m͠y ͝b͜o͟d̷y
w̢ḩèǹ ̶t̨h͠e ͟tr̀u̸th ̶ŗem̕ai̧ns҉
i ̶will͡ ̵we̷lco͡m̀e them b̕l͟i̷ndly̵
i̡nh̢ęr̨ited m̕y ̀mo̵u͘t̶h̨
͠f͝r͢óm͞ ́so̕m̸eơne͟ i̷n̡siḑe ́of̧ me

͞i hàv̀é ͏been ̨h͜ere̵ ̶cŗýi͢n̴g
̛pry͞ing ̡earflow
c̶a̶n ͠y̨ou ͠seè my ̀t͡ear͟s
͝t̛h͞a͏t ҉s͠p͡roút͘ ̸f̡r͞om ̛fea͘r̕f͢u̵l
̛ro͟ots̵ that g̶r͠e̶w f͜ŕom ́s͞e҉eds͢
͡i ̨swa̕lĺowe̛ḑ
̡10͡,̨0҉0́0̀ y̢e̸ars̴ ̧a͞gó

̨well͠ i ͡have been ͟h̕e͏r̀e̵ ̡s͟itt͠in̵g
vo̴wi͞ng͠ d̢r͟in̡ki̶n̨g
͘p̧l̡eąs̢e ̧gi͜ve m҉e ̴m̡y ͏ṕa̸r̵e̶n͞t̵s͠
w͠ay̡ of̨ t̶h͜i͘nk͢i̴n̷g
ra͝i̕se a͞ ̀ch͏i͡ld́ ͝t͢h͡a͝t̷’s͏ pur͝e̕
ǫf ͝ge̢nde͢r d̷įvįs҉i҉o̢n
͠y̧es̴ ͢i̢ k͘ņo̷w

͘s̢up͟r͜essed ͞ŕe̕grȩss͡io̶ń
̷i̵ţ ̸h͡as s͡pir͡a̡led i͜ns͠ide ̛óf̢ ̶me
̀to ͘lo͠ve is͢ t͠o ͜l̀o̸s̴e
e͜ver̵y ͠p͡art̨ ̀o̢f ̵m͝e
̀th̸e̕y̴ ͟n͢eve̷r̢ sęe
҉the òrg͡a̵n ̶tha̷t҉ f̡i͠t͞s̨
i̴n ̀e̢ve̴ry peŗso͏n ͏th̴a͡t’s
̴ma̛r͢ri̛ed me
͏inh̴eríted ide̸a̧s fr̴o͝m a ̷hi͠g̴he̢r҉
bo͝dý
̴
͘y̧o͠u͠r͜ nam͟e h̨a̛s bee҉ń ͠e͟r͘ase̴d́
f̛r͢o̶m̴ ͡all͢ ͢y͝ou̶r̕ h͞o͟mȩwork͡
̸yo̡ú h̢a͢v̶e ̶be͝en͝ ̴tor͏n ̡out͠ ̵o͡f
̴countl͝es҉s͡ ̢pict͘u̡ŗés̵
҉w̷or̴d͡s ͘have̢ d̢i̵ssapea̸re͏d ̶f̨rom
͡alļ ̕y͜ouŗ ҉sc̵ŗi̵pt̛ur͏e͠s̨

l̸ife i̕s no̧t͡ a͝ ͝s҉i͞n͜gl͟e͝
fr͏i̧end҉ w͠o͝rt͢h ̶kn͜owin̷g͜
̶li̧fe i̶s ̀n͞ot witho͝u҉t a͟
̡c̶om̛e͝ and̴ ̸go͠in̕g̴
̴th͟ȩy͘ ͡wi̡ll ̀neve͟r̵ ̀h̵éar͡
҉wha̧t͝ ̧y̧ou͏’̡v͡e͟ bee͜n̕
s͞h͜owi̡n̸g͘ ͞t̴ó th͢e͏ wo̴r͠ld́

Y̨͞O̧͝U̵̴̕ W̢͝I͝LL̶͡͝ ̧̕N̵̕EV͡E҉R̢͡ B͘E
̕͏͞U͠N҉̶̧I̢͟͝Q̸͝UE͝ ̷̴O̧̕Ŕ̛͡ ̶̕F͏A̡͞͝M̕Ó̸͠US̡͟
͏Y̡O̧U ̢̢̀W͘͟I̛L̕͡͞L͢͜ ͏Ą̶͝L̵Ẃ̛͜A̶Y̨͘͟S͘͏ ̡B͝͞E
̡͡҉D̷ÈP̵̨҉R̵̷͘E̸S̵̀Ś̷E̶̕͠D͘ ̶͞A͝͏N̴͟D̶́͜ ̵̶͘F͘͘A̕ĆE̶̸̢L͝҉E̶̕SS̕
Track Name: Gemini
i was born in a chinatown slum
with a vision that i followed and a story to become
and as i grew i felt i ran out of ink
i felt the parchment rice paper start to shrink and shrink

and i met a boy a little taller than me
and when i asked him about these questions
he said he saw plenty
reflected in his eyes
just as he said
was the daydream colored sunset
that i never had

but that sunset
never left your mindset
even through
all your coldest regrets
oh why do you try

because he taught me
more than any school could
always said if you can than you should
oh why do you try

and as my height came closer to his
as my hands started rubbing my crusted eyelids
all of a sudden all the pixels grew
all arithmetic i thought i knew

but it seems the more that life pushed us together
the more we felt finger trapped and tethered
like a million days shot through the sky
couldn't pull the night down from way up high

but this song is getting sentimental
turning loved ones ornamental
oh why do you try

because he taught me
more than any school could
always said if you can than you should
oh why do you try

all the smoking breaks
empty pizza plates
long walks long talks
when we stayed up late
all the times on the phone
leading to train rides home
all the fussin and the cussin
when we felt alone and said
"
you would always tell me
that i love you baby
separate we're changin'
but together we're amazin'
now as re-incarnate
we ain't even talkin'
you just keep me starin'
and i just keep walkin'
"

it's too late for me
(to come to terms with all i ever wanted
lesson learned but i just forgot)

i'm scared i'm starting to feel normal
i'm scared i'm starting to feel older
i'm scared i don't know what to do
sit in here till people think i'm cool
and i've found that time gets longer
as our eyes get as wide as our shoulders
why
and that's why
that i try
Track Name: Mom and Dad
a stable cocoon
as warm as any womb
a little kid alone in his room
with the softest of sheets
a warm place to sleep
it disappears
so soon

because parents share a heart
but it pushes them apart
and it's just too much to resume
the lives they had before
that old apartment door
between them
and their tomb

so much pain
and things to say
it might just take
your life away
it won't
there's always different ways to cope
where there's despair there's always
hope

you see them again
and you tell all your friends
you're sleeping alone again
and to your surprise
hellos and goodbyes
are different in the end

and they say

"no no you can't go on"
i keep it locked inside for architects to find
but
before our stars go out
i want them to align
i want to feel your lips
moving up my spine
i wanna feel your love
because i can't feel mine

so much change
and empty days
it might just make
you waste away but
no

(it's too late for me)
this is just a time for you to grow
there's always ways to make a
home is gone now
home was somehow
just a building
and a door i know
it's a little late to be alone
it's a little late to be alone
Track Name: Nothing Can Change
SHARPLESS:
we can try to move away
burn our hair off change our names
stare at beer and swallow light
touch each other every night

but as my shadow leaves
the empty space left in between
the shallow ache of what had been
and the loneliness that i have seen

our suitcase packed we've had enough
of trying to get mixed up with that stuff
we're ready to change and to grow up
throw out the games in all the houses
where we slept over

BELLOWS & ESKIMEAUX:
(night after night)

SHARPLESS:
where we grew older

BELLOWS & ESKIMEAUX:
(fight after fight)

SHARPLESS:
and our lives gave way
to the things that we say
like we're stuck inside a play

but as we close the door
suddenly we wanted more
just to be seventeen again
and never say goodbye to all our friends

FREEZE FRAME:

freeze frame back on this shit
with another feat

but this is not a repeat

i keep it moving like a track meet
while my boy jack is trapped in the way way back seat
roll through the slope in a ’94 taurus
the world at large safely ignores us
but lately ruby red eyesight is driving my hindsight crazy

stuck in the maze of my memories
with former lives and the lies i tell as enemies
who all signify that i can’t deny all my contrived anxieties
fuck them, i’m back on the grind
progress is the quest and i’m making good time

pain is the past escaping from the mind
if you want to grow up leave it behind

MONTANA:
nothing can change if it's alright
and you'll never grow if you feel fine

JACK:
can we try again if we go back then?

THE EPOCH:
it doesn't really matter at all
is the answer to the hardest question
waiting for the apple to fall
it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all

JACK:
nothing can change
Track Name: Greater Then
SHARPLESS:
i'm counting cigarettes
one for each of our dreams undone
but you're just sitting there
i feel like i should be the one

what am i doing here?
(you're doing fine don't worry)
what am i doing here?

SMALL WONDER:
(don't be in such a hurry)

SHARPLESS:
what am i thinking of?

SMALL WONDER:
(thinking of a way to make an escape)

SHARPLESS:
what can you tell me love?

SMALL WONDER:
(you should go right now these things can wait)

TOLD SLANT:
in our house
we were born without a way to tell ourselves apart
but we were
the farthest we had been from each other's hearts

THE EPOCH:

SCALING CITY BLOCKS
BE SHITTY
MOCKING KIDS WHO LOOK TOO COOL
NOW THE TIDES HAVE TURNED
AND WE'RE THE ONES WHO RAN AWAY TO SCHOOL
IF THINGS WERE GREATER THEN
THEN TELL ME WHEN WE TURN BACK INTO FOOLS
TIME DON'T MAKE US OLD
IT MAKES US LONELIER THAN EVER

SHARPLESS:
i ask for another cigarette

(WHY?!)

to catch up when you die